Synergy: Personal updates about what God is doing in my life.

The Shifting: God’s been shifting me, lately, and addressing long standing trouble spots for me in my life, specifically in the areas of identity, thinking/fears, disorder/chaos, and setting boundaries. I believe He’s doing this within his church body; addressing our trouble spots. In particular, He has been addressing my tendency to strive and my rejection issues; my tendency to people please out of fear of rejection, which has inadvertently led to more striving and chaos for me.

The Conundrum: There’s been a long-standing issue for me of always feeling overwhelmed. The conundrum was that to get less overwhelmed, I needed to do more work. For instance, that I should produce more art, write books, be more active with social media and this blog, etc, in order to create more of a niche in the marketplace which can lead to more sales, which can lead to going down to part time at work and eventually into full time ministry. God is now slowly shifting my mindset. It’s not that He doesn’t want me to do those things. He still does (but only social media to a degree), but not from a position of fear and/or burnout like I have been doing. He doesn’t want me to move so fast or do so many things that my life feels like a whirlwind- which is what it has been feeling like. God is showing me that this lifestyle of constantly being overwhelmed and fear of man or of not having enough is tied into my identity and to an orphan spirit. It’s rooted in my trauma. But the way out is not more work and striving. It’s knowing who I am, who God created me to be, and knowing who God really is, and grasping at a deeper level what Jesus did at the cross for me. The way of the Kingdom is not striving. All is accomplished from a position of joy, peace, and security through the Holy Spirit – which feels like a place of rest; where your mind is still and free from worry, and things feel easier. It boils down to trusting God. How much do I really trust God? If I’m struggling to trust Him in any area of my life, it means that I do not fully know Him. Knowing Him is freedom from fear and striving. There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear. God is love, so knowing Him cancels out the fear. God is getting to the roots of these issues and addressing it from multiple fronts and strategies.

God’s mercy and grace: One thing God has shown me over the years and wants you as a reader to know, too, is that God is not harsh. He is gentle, patient, and kind. He sees these struggles in us and doesn’t condemn us because of our human frailty and condition. He knows what we are up against. He understands how hard our flesh makes it for us. He knows how deeply we’ve been hurt: the traumas, rejection, losses, betrayals, sicknesses, and setbacks. He knows the things that have broken us and has made it extremely difficult to trust Him. Instead of condemning us, His heart just breaks for us, for our human condition and weaknesses. He cries for us and with us. His heart is so tender, compassionate, and understanding. That is why He sent Jesus to save and deliver us, so we could be free from our sinful nature, from sickness, curses, afflictions, addictions, fear, depression, or lack. Although Satan has legal permission to keep us bound and afflicted when we agree with him and do not accept or believe what Jesus did at the cross, and when we do not agree or submit to the ways and desires of God, God never stops loving us, never abandons us, and is always working behind the scenes to shift our attention back to Him and to the Truth which will set us free.

Gratefulness: For that, my heart will be eternally grateful. Once you truly taste even a glimpse of what the Kingdom of heaven is like, you never want to go back to the ways of the world. You want only more of God and His ways, but the challenge is staying there in that place of full surrender and submission, where you are fully abiding with God.

The Answer: For that is the answer to every question, every dilemma, every conflict, every problem: the presence of God.

The challenge of brokenness: Perhaps the more we have been shattered, the more we struggle to remain in His presence, but like I said, God understands. He pulls us towards him. He finds us when we’re lost. He sends out helpers. He promises that we’re not alone. We don’t have to do this thing called life alone. He’ll be there always, so as long as it takes, He’ll be there prodding us forward towards Him and His Truth, His ways.

God’s patience: God has had to be especially patient with me. It seems I’ve healed slowly. I’ve grown slowly. I’ve had to overcome so much. Theres been so many things which have made it hard for me to trust (abuse, trauma, neglect, terror) which have led to chaos and disorder in my life and in the life of my family, but what’s important is that God is leading me out of the darkness into His light and His ways, little by little.

God’s mandate and assignment: What’s even more interesting is that none of those things disqualified me from living a life of fullness or being used by God. None of those things disqualified me from carrying God’s mantle and assignments. In fact, God used those very misfortunes to carve me into His image. He didn’t cause them, but He allowed them to work a greater good in me. It created humility, desperateness, dependency, and perseverance that perhaps could not have been forged any other way. God’s specialty is using the weak things of the world to confound the wise. God told me a while back that my mandate was “to overcome and show others how to do the same.” This mandate does not come from a place of greatness and having it all together to in turn show others how to have it all together, but rather from a place of humility, meekness, and dependency on God-and even a degree of transparency as God works out all these issues in me- for which, I in turn, release the strategies and revelations God imparted to me to others so they also can walk in victory, freedom, and dependency on God. It’s a very humbling assignment. I have to show you where I was weak and stumbled and how God addressed it. I can’t be somebody I’m not, and I don’t want to be. The truth is that I can’t do much of anything well without God’s power and gifts.

Getting Organized: So Gods been revamping my life and lighting a fire under me! He’s very focused on creating more order in my life. I think trauma creates a disorganized brain, which leads to struggles living an organized life. That has always been a struggle for me, but once I add structure around me, it becomes much more manageable. Perhaps part of it is just being a “creative,” too. I approach life a bit more loosely with how I structure it. Lately, I’ve been very consumed and driven by reorganizing my art shed, not that it’s ever been organized. I came from a crammed closet space in my old apartment to NOW an old, run down, garden shed filled with left over junk and tools the previous owner left behind in my new home residence, which is now my “art shed” or art studio space. It’s not completely run down. Its good enough to use for now, and right away I invested a good amount of money for a portable heater/AC and dehumidifier which makes it bearable to be in there in the dreadfully hot summer months and cold winter months. I have lived in my new home for 1.5 years, but this is the first time I’ve had any extra money to devote to organizing my art shed. This was made possible from switching to the VA health care instead of Aetna, so I no longer have to pay premiums. I initially made the switch to be able to afford car payments, but my church family did a drive and generously provided the funds for me to have a new used car, and now I am the happy owner of a new red Honda Accord with 77k miles, and no payments are necessary since it’s already fully paid for! That freed up about $200 a month, which will eventually go to paying down my credit cards, but for now, I am going to organize my art room.

Bins, Containers, and Shelves Frenzy: I’ve been buying shelves and bins to organize the art room, and it’s fun! I probably spent close to $500 so far, on bins, containers, curtains, and shelves…well, 3 wooden book cases. I also have another large metal shelf I bought a while ago to put together and one cube storage system. That’s probably all I can fit in the art room. It’s so cluttered and filled up that there’s no space to set up anything further, but after I got one white book case up and filled with bins, it freed up room. So that is my aporoach, one book case at a time, free up space, then go to the next one. There was never enough space to set up my huge metal rack, and I really couldn’t get to my cube storage system. I bought 4 sets of paper holder bins/slider drawers (with 4 drawers each), and I still need 2 more. I instantly started getting energized from organizing my art room, no matter how tired I was starting out. It has been consuming my time and energy. Feels so good! But I can’t do much more until I put together my other shelves. They are black because they ran out of white, but they were only $38 a piece, compared to normally $50 or $100 for a book shelf, and it’s doing the trick! I bought all I could fit in the art room! I plan to spray paint the two extra black bookcases white. Plus, I have a dresser and another small white shelf (from before) and a drying rack already in use. I have a large tile table that needs to be put together. Once I clear enough room, I will put that up. I need to buy a shelf for the garden shed, too. It is also cluttered. I want to get rid of anything not art related in the art shed, but my friend says that certain tools will rust or the house paint will freeze if it goes in the metal, garden shed-but I don’t want to see those things in my art space! I am thinking about buying a rod and curtains to partition that part off. I already bought pretty, dusty pink with a hint of lavender curtains for an ugly window in the art shed, which has part of the heater/ac coming out of it. I want to keep spending money on organizing, but I probably need stuff for my new car like a spare key.

More Peace: I feel God shifting things for me and granting me more peace. Perhaps He removed a certain level of torment. I feel different, less overwhelmed, and a bit more hopeful. He is restoring me. For the first time, the areas of my life I did feel hopeless with, like with certain family issues, I finally feel hopeful about. It was a movie I watched, other prophetic words I came across, and that prophetic word God gave me about restoring order and our original foundations, which has been encouraging me! It’s like he is re-ordering my brain. I also feel like God has been delivering me me from various things in different stages.

The Impossible Becomes Possible: God just showed me that the things that feel impossible are not impossible. I think God removed the sense of doom, fear, and shame regarding some of my problems, at least to a degree. Things feel easier now. God showed me to start with purging. I’m challenging my family to purge things they no longer need as well.

The Women’s Conference: I went to a women’s conference with Heidi Baker this past weekend. It was kind of interesting because at the conference, there was another word about God restoring order and our original identities and foundations, just like what I posted here. God’s been confirming a lot of words to me.

A little at a time: Concerning reordering and structuring my life, my idea is to set small goals and do a little at a time.

It’s Ok. It just takes a little longer: Heidi Baker said one thing that really stood out to me. I’ve always loved her for how loving, genuine, and free she is. If there’s anyone I really admire, it’s her. I’m so glad I got to see her. I asked God to give me some of her anointing. She is a good role model for how ministry and leadership should happen. She was once very burned out, but she had an amazing encounter with God which changed all that, and from there on out she learned how to submit to and follow the Holy Spirit which ended all her striving and created ease- it comes from intimacy with God. Anyway, she was talking about her kids. She has 2 natural kids and 15 adopted kids. She said they are all doing well, except 2. First of all, her just admitting that was freeing to me. It helped reduce my shame about my own family issues. She said 2 of her kids were a mess. She said they were adopted and she got them after they were horribly abused, fractured, and broken. She said it just takes a little longer with them because of what they’ve been through, but that’s ok. “It’s OK that it takes a little longer. They’re getting there.” That just made me cry and somehow hit a deep spot in me. I needed to hear that. “It’s OK. Sometimes, it just takes a little longer.” I knew God was addressing my shame and self comparison. I always wonder why it’s taken me so long to achieve things. Even with my art, it feels like I’m slow to progress. But it’s just part of my journey, I suppose, and I felt God remove the shame and fear about that, that I’m not good enough or that I’m moving too slowly.

The slow progression: It takes me a little longer to get there because of what I’ve been through, but nobody can say that I’m not progressing, and ever since I divorced, my life has been slowly showing some evidence of God’s transformation in my life, even though God was doing internal healing before that. I saw my old therapist there at the conference, BTW. It was interesting to reflect back on the changes between now and when I saw him 10 years ago. I have come a long way.

Inner Healing: Anyway, I did a lot of grieving at the conference and inner healing. It mostly just happened during worship while being in God’s presence. I need that from time to time, the anointing that just breaks the yoke, the presence of God, which just reduces me to tears…a good kind of crying where I know things are just falling off of me. It took me a while just to enter in because I was feeling judged and ridiculed for various things. Just prior to the conference, I got really strecthed in the area of setting boundaries. Boundaries have always been my biggest struggle. Some of that struggle may be tied into how I never felt worthy enough to set them. I have been addressing that lie by an inner healing assignment I did where I asked God to reveal all the lies I believed and replace it with his truth. I had to forgive everyone who created those lies and forgive myself. I then matched scriptures to God’s prophetic word. I came up with 130 scriptures!! I have been reading the prophetic word God gave me every day as well as some of those scriptures. I still can’t believe I came up with 130! I can’t even get that far every morning. I just read some of them. But in this way, I am addressing it heavily and renewing my mind. The combination of that plus other things God is doing seems to be helping. I really see change happening.

A Season of Deliverance and Healing: I just know God is doing what He showed me. He literally is bringing deliverance and healing. We really are stepping into an overflow. He literally is removing burdens and making things easier. He really is raising my faith to receive even for my most stubborn resistant issues and problems, which historically has led to doubt and fear.

New Ministry Team: There’s one more thing I want to mention. God is putting together a ministry team for me. One friend has agreed to play the keyboards for every workshop, and a new friend has expressed interest in being part of the team as a prayer minister.

Surprising Compliments: She wanted to meet with me last Sunday to talk about it. She said I was “confident” and “organized,” and she wasn’t, that she struggled with insecurity, speaking in public, being disorganized, etc. All the things I have struggled with! Wow! I don’t get called “organized” very often, but I do every once in a while despite my disorganized tendencies. I’m not sure I get called “confident” very often, either. Perhaps you could say those have always been huge struggles for me, and I briefly told her my story related to that, how I had so much shame I couldn’t even look in the mirror in front of others when I was young teenager, and I was the worst speaker in my class. She asked how I overcame that, and I told her it was through God, but my job too.. it’s kind of a result of pushing through fear, doing it anyway. Now, it’s a matter of me learning how to flow with God, not to overwork myself or strive, but how to let God lead me, speak through me, minister through me, etc. I am asking Him how should I prepare aside from intimacy with Him?

Prayer for Leaders: At the conference, they had “pastors” and “worship leaders” stand up for a special prayer. I wasn’t sure if I should stand up at first because I’m not a pastor, but a minister, but as they went on talking about leaders who deliver words from God, preaching/teaching etc, I realized it applied to me. Anyway, they had people gather around you and lay hands on you and they prayed for you not to compare yourself to others, to only speak God’s words, not to strive but do it by the Holy Spirit and power of God, etc. I very much needed that prayer, so I am thankful. I’m excited about what all God is doing.

Synergy: You see how God works? There is synergy. God weaves all these different parts of your life together, which work for the good to accomplish His perfect will. God’s glory is being poured out, and I am beginning to reap the benefits!