Recompense Dream

I had an odd dream about my father, but it wasn’t a bad dream. If you have heard or read my testimony, you will know that I suffered extreme sexual abuse, maybe even some would consider it torture, at the hands of my father as a child. He wasn’t all bad, though, and the abuse was in sharp contrast to the times he was warm and loving or fun and playful. Also, he was invested in teaching us (my brother and me) things. But mostly, I remembered being afraid of him and his invasive, intimidating, and controlling personality, even if I forgot most of my abuse until I was an adult and was able to piece together memories (snapshots, locations, dreams, and body memories). My memories began after my father died at age 40 from a massive heart attack. I was 19 and in basic training in the Army at the time.

So this dream is interesting. Maybe even it was a good dream. In the dream, I was in my old childhood house, and walked out of my bedroom half dressed. I threw a towel on the lower half of me. I had a top on. When I walked into the living room to my surprise my adult daughter was visiting with someone. The dining room table was in the middle of the living room, and my daughter and the guest were having tea or coffee and something sweet to eat. Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. I debated if I should throw on pants first, but the door kept knocking as if impatient, so I looked through the window, and it was my Dad. I was surprised to see him because I had forgotten all about him. I opened the door a crack, feeling mixed emotions about seeing him. In the dream he hadn’t died; I just hadn’t seen him for a long, long time. In the dream he was young, but I was about my same age, 53. He looked to be in his late 20’s or 30’s. He had gifts on the porch and spread out in the yard. Part of me wondered if he was just trying to show off or it was to make up for lost time or all the harm he caused me. There were beautiful pink flowers on the porch and in the yard I noticed what looked like a sewing machine. That seemed random. My father had a habit of buying things he wanted us to have versus things we might have wanted, and it always seemed like he had to make a show of it by buying the most expensive things. I had never wanted a sewing machine, until recently actually; I was thinking I could try my hand at textile art and add fancy stiches. In the dream, I was going to have him wait there until I put on clothes, but I was curious about the gifts. It was like I was aware of the past, and there was some trepidation as I wondered about his sincerity, but at the same time there was an unusual peace. It really seemed like maybe we could start over and have the type of relationship we never had. In real life, I actually felt that kind of peace on the telephone with him two weeks before he died. For the first time I noticed I wasn’t nervous around him. Back to the dream: I was genuinely surprised by the visit because I hadn’t thought of my father in such a long time. I think I almost blurted out to him, ” I almost forgot you existed!” but luckily I didn’t. The overall feeling of the dream was suspiciousness and distrust, yet wanting that ultimate connection and healthy relationship that I never had. I also was acutely aware of not being fully dressed, and wanting to make sure I was fully clothed before I opened the door and let him in; so there was some fear about being abused again. Another theme was curiosity and some level of excitement about the gifts. There were so many gifts, but I didn’t have time to check them all out or conclude the dream, because I was wakened by a family member.

The dream kind of came out of nowhere since I wasn’t thinking about my father. I have been under intense spiritual warfare lately, but it seems that I have been promoted spiritually by God as I am now a minister as of October 1, 2022. There’s so many emotions around that, and hopefully I’ll get to post about it by the end of the week. Prophetically, God has spoken of a season of overflow and promises fulfilled as well as restoration, and He spoke these things early to me before anyone else seemed to be hearing about it. Now that all the prophets are talking about it, I wondered if somehow I had been left out since I am experiencing intense warfare. It seems weird that God would tell me personally, then leave me out. There’s this great contradiction to what I am experiencing currently in reality (no car, broken fridge, excessive bills and debt, not to mention other more pressing problems) compared to what I’m perceiving spiritually… Although to be clear, I have experienced some BIG blessings and breakthroughs such as with my first new house I got last year; a good raise; now becoming a minister; my daughter being promoted to front desk manager etc.. In the spiritual world and in my dreams there’s a repeated theme about being rewarded, but in my present reality there’s been a season of physical loss, separation, hardship, stress, and torment despite all the spiritual warfare; prayers; bible reading; proclamations; decrees; repenting; courts of heaven visits; curses and bad covenants broken; worship; and personal time with the Lord; and even despite my faith. I’ve always gone back and forth in wondering if I did something wrong to deserve the intense warfare or if its because of the high calling on my life or maybe even a result of the trauma. Some of it is no doubt because of the trauma, but I’ve done all the healing I can muster, and have been actively healing for 27 years plus 11 of those with trauma focused therapy. I haven’t regressed or become stagnant. God keeps giving me new levels of healing, and I’m even starting to see some manifestation within my family. The family healing is my deepest longing. I think I was put on this earth to reverse the curses and family legacy of trauma and abuse and release generational blessings and healing as well as generations that follow after God. God mandated me to overcome and show others how to do the same. My calling is to release inner healing and deliverance primarily, although I’m sure it won’t be limited to just that. However, my own healing and family healing was a much bigger undertaking then I ever imagined it would be, and healing has been a slow process. Some of the warfare struggle I think was because of one episode of satanic ritual abuse when I was 6 in which I was dedicated to Satan, but I was already saved at age 5, so he never could have me. I’ve renounced all curses and contracts related to this already. Also, as a child, teenager, and young adult I dreamt repeatedly of the end times. I was always on the front lines of war with a sword, slaying the demons and leading others to safety, and at times hiding them for protection. So it seems I was specifically made by God for warfare. That’s part of my calling. In one vision God took me to a place that was so utterly dark I couldn’t hear God’s voice or sense his presence. I went through a dark tunnel, and as I traveled through this portal it got darker and darker. I did not want the assignment in the vision, but I will do whatever God asks. I remind myself that if I am to receive such assignments, it would make sense that I be well trained, and so my life could be set up for a giant training ground, which would explain the relentless warfare. As I said, I go back and forth between wondering if I did something wrong or didn’t do something I should have done to cause the extra warfare or it its because of my specific callings and assignments.

Even as I’m constantly wondering, and going back and forth between fighting depression and/or anxiety and encouraging myself in the Lord, God keeps showing me that, yes, I will receive the promises and I’m on track for a great reward. My dreams and visions consistently have this theme. The devil would lie to me and tell me that I’ll be left out or that I’m not good enough. Lately, I’ve really been leaning on the fact that God sent Jesus to die on the cross precisely because He knew we could never be good enough. We would always fall short in one way or another, but I haven’t committed some big sin. Even if I had, all I would need to do would be to repent, and I’d be right back in God’s grace and favor again. God has to rewire my brain with this, as my punishments as a child were always extra harsh.

So back to this dream, it seems to suggest, perhaps, more rewards and repayment for past harm done. Recently I was crying out to God saying, “Show me what to do! Show me what to do to relieve this suffering, and I’ll do it!” I kind of sensed that the answer was in this dream and it was God saying, “Nothing is necessary for you to do. You’ve already done everything I asked. Your job is just to receive.” I also thought that maybe God was showing me a connection with my past trauma as the reason for the suffering, but He was saying it’s time for your pay back. It’s time for your wrongs to be made right. It’s time for you to receive everything that was stolen and more! I believe the sewing machine spoke of restoration. It’s time for all the broken pieces to be stitched back together again.

Please see the word from God called “Turn Around” (January 3, 2021) in which God talks about the difficult things we’ve been through to create fear, but how our turn around, recompense, and restoration is coming. God plans to be faithful on His promises.